I’ve searched for you
Lifetimes of pining
And wondering if you even exist.
Wandering around dark corridors
And tiptoeing thru rooms of apprehension
Did I belong?
Was I good enough?
Would I be rejected?
And often times was…
Reclusive and different
I fell into the world
And found a sort of safety there.
A safety of low expectations,
And limited judgments.
So I stayed and attempted a life to build.
Each layer of foundation built with sticks
Each wall erected for a home to make
Was blown & storm tossed.
Safety, stability, security
Proved an elusive beast to capture.
My hopes and dreams
Built on worldly standards
Trading accolades & superiors’ praises
For my self-worth and value.
And when those departed
So did my value of self.
I began accumulating things.
Clothes and shoes and cars…
Such things that filled out lives.
Thinking more equaled a better life.
Thinking myself better off than others.
I had more stuff and managed to maintain it.
Bills paid. Food provided. Plus luxuries.
Added to another month of supposed stability.
Never mind the empty bank account.
And the weeks of struggling until the next pay check.
Knowing and experiencing that any disturbance,
Such as a car crash
Or a loss of wages
Could and would and did
Derail our train.
Reality steps in crushing the façade of stability.
Security found in people
I’d found none.
Decisions fueled by selfish desires
In the end they searched for the same thing I did.
I could not rest in them.
Without a clear realization
I’d spent a lifetime searching
For a person, place, or thing
That gave me a complete sense of security.
A noun that I could crawl inside
And hide therein
And somehow, finally find rest.
I’ve found in God
My place of safety.
My only security.
And stable ground to stand on.
I’ve found in God
My soul is at rest.